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Baby in the Middle: How Parenthood Changes Couple Relationships
From: Cambridge University Press
| By:
Judith A. FeeneyLydia HohausPatricia NollerRichard P. Alexander |
EDITOR'S INTRODUCTION |
 The arrival of a first child can be a couple's ultimate dream come true. But the effects which a baby can have on any couple's relationship can be quite different to what they expected. Becoming Parents, published by Cambridge University Press, presents a landmark study of the transition to parenthood and its effects on the individuals involved. In this brief extract, the authors outline some of the major findings of recent research in the area |
 he changes that take place in the family after the arrival of a first child are remarkable: The structure of the family becomes more complex, and the new infant is totally dependent on the parents. Given these changes in the structure and functioning of the family unit, it is not surprising that researchers have looked for changes in couples' relationships throughout this transition. The changes studied can be grouped into four broad aspects of couple relationships: division of household work; leisure, companionship, and intimacy; emotional tone of couple interactions (positivity and negativity); and relationship satisfaction. |
Division of household work
In describing the changes that occur in couples' relationships, the performance of household duties is a fitting place to start. After all, it is fairly obvious that parenthood brings many new tasks and responsibilities. Moreover, this is the area in which couples most consistently report changes in their relationships. |
Regardless of whether researchers have studied small samples of couples or conducted large-scale survey, they have usually found parenthood to be associated with a more traditional division of labor. In other words, the arrival of the baby seems to crystallize a gender-based division of labor, with men focusing on paid work outside the home (the "breadwinner" role), and women focusing on infant care and other responsibilities around the home (the "homemaker" role). |
How does this change come about? As we said earlier, a new baby clearly means "extra work." Some studies indicate that men's patterns of paid and unpaid work show little change at this point in the life cycle, but others suggest that men actually increase their hours of paid work when they become fathers (see M. Bittman, Juggling Time1991). The latter suggestion fits with anecdotal and interview data, which point to new fathers' awareness of their additional responsibilities, including the responsibility to "provide" for the family. |
At the same time, women's work routines change very markedly with pregnancy and parenthood. Generally, this change involves women leaving paid employment, or at least cutting back their hours, and becoming much more heavily involved with chores around the house. Not only do most wives take on the lion's share of the tasks related to infant care, they also increase their hours of general household work. It is also important to note that most new mothers report doing much more of the housework and infant care than they had expected. Not surprisingly, this discrepancy between expectation and experience tends to create disappointment and dissatisfaction for some wives. |
As this point suggests, the tendency for parenthood to bring more traditional division of labor is often neither planned nor expected. A major factor behind this development seems to be the sheer number of demands that new parents face: Their resources of time and energy are limited, and a traditional form of task allocation may seem to be the most efficient way of doing things (especially if the wife stays at home). A second factor involves issues of earning power and job stability: In many couples, the man still enjoys greater earning power than the woman, but also has less freedom to adapt work schedules to fit with the demands of family life. For these couples, financial considerations can limit men's active involvement in fatherhood (see P. Schwartz, Love Between Equals, 1994). Yet another relevant factor is that wives tend to "go along" with husbands' preferences for how tasks are allocated. Although this finding might seem to point to men's greater power and dominance in decision making, it is not as simple as this. Wives' tendency to accept husbands' preferences is more marked if their feelings of love for their partners are very strong, suggesting that this compliance represents a deliberate focus on minimizing conflict and maximizing family harmony. |
Of course, not all new parents adopt highly traditional approaches to task allocation. Several studies of new parenthood have focused specifically on patterns of household work (e.g. F.M. Deutsch, J.B. Lussier and L.J. Servis, "Husbands at Home," Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 65 (1993), pp. 1154-66; L. Sanchez and E. Thomson, "Becoming Mothers and Fathers," Gender and Society 11 (1997), pp. 747-72); these studies show that husbands' involvement in baby care and other household tasks varies greatly from couple to couple, and that the reasons for this variation are complex. The extent of husbands' involvement in chores has been linked to broader work patterns, including both parents' work hours, income, and occupational status. It has also been linked to partners' attitudes towards gender roles and feminism, and to complex dynamics within the marriage, involving partners' perceptions of satisfaction, togetherness, and conflict. |
Interestingly, although housework and child care have often been considered collectively (as "domestic labor"), the factors affecting partners' involvement in these two types of tasks seem to be quite different. For example, fathers' involvement in housework is predicted by dynamics within the marriage, whereas their involvement in child care is predicted by their nontraditional gender role attitudes and by mothers' hours of paid work. For these reasons, housework and child care are best considered as two separate issues that couples need to confront. |
Leisure, companionship, and intimacy
How does new parenthood affect the extent to which couples share leisure time, general companionship, and intimacy? As we might expect, the conclusion drawn from most studies is that these aspects of the relationship tend to decline after the birth of the baby. That is, most new parents report a lessening of shared leisure activities, joint decision making, and general companionship. They also report that they have less opportunity to converse with each other, particularly in terms of sharing small talk. |
According to most studies, parenthood does not produce much change in the absolute amount of time that husbands and wives spend together. What changes is the way that time is spent. New parents have less leisure time, and their choice of leisure activities tends to be restricted: They spend less time going out to dinner or to the movies than before the baby was born, and often look for joint activities that allow them to watch over the baby. New parents (especially new fathers) are also less likely to engage in independent leisure pursuits, that is, activities that they may enjoy, but their partner does not. In short, when partners spend time together, they are likely to be looking after their baby, or to be doing other instrumental tasks. Despite the lack of change in the absolute amount of time spent together, this relative lack of couple intimacy is a common source of complaint among new parents. Clearly, not all "time together" is equal! |
A recent review of studies of new parenthood suggests that it is also common for couples to report changes in their sexual relationship (K. von Sydow, "Sexuality during Pregnancy and after Childbirth," Journal of Psychosomatic Research 47 (1999), pp. 27-49). These changes include reductions in sexual interest, responsiveness, activity (both coital activity and other forms of stimulation), and enjoyment. There can be many reasons for the changes. In late pregnancy, there may be fears that sexual activity will harm the baby (although these fears are generally unfounded). For some women, intercourse can become painful; for others, enjoyment is inhibited because they feel less attractive or are concerned about their partner's sexual satisfaction. |
After the baby is born, lack of sleep and general fatigue can dampen sexual desire. New parents may also find that the presence of the new baby inhibits their spontaneity, or interrupts their attempts at physical intimacy. For many couples, the first intercourse after the birth of the baby can pose particular problems: These problems can be physical (e.g., milk leakage, or pain), or emotional (again, being worried about physical attractiveness or about the sexual satisfaction of the partner). New parents' reports of their sexual relationships vary widely, however; some report few changes, and where changes do occur, they can be either short-lived or quite lasting. |
Emotional tone of interactions: positivity and negativity
Emotional climate is another crucial aspect of couple relationships. People experience their most intense emotions in the context of their close relationships, and the emotions experienced by one partner are usually communicated to the other, either directly or indirectly. Given their increased task load and reduced opportunities for companionship and intimacy, we might expect new parents to report a change in the emotional climate of their relationship. That is, we might expect them to report fewer positive interactions than beforehand, and more negative interactions. Some studies of new parenthood suggest that this is the case. |
For instance, both questionnaire responses and direct observation of couples have suggested that parenthood brings a decline in expressions of affection and other positive interactions (e.g., spouses paying attention to one another). In addition, new parents often report wishing that positive interactions occurred more frequently than they actually do. |
In terms of negativity, some researchers have found that new parents report more frequent arguments and conflict, and increases in general feelings of marital tension. There is also some evidence that parenthood is associated with a tendency for one or both partners to engage in conflict avoidance. In other words, new parents may tend to respond to marital conflict by becoming quiet and pulling away from the spouse, perhaps because disagreements make them feel more vulnerable after the arrival of the baby. |
Although these findings suggest that the emotional climate of marriage is less positive for new parents than for other couples, it is important to note that this suggestion has not gone unchallenged. For example, T.L. Huston and A.L. Vangelisti ("How parenthood affects marriage," in M.A. Fitzpatrick and A.L. Vangelisti (eds), Explaining Family Interactions, 1995) compared the interactions of childless couples and new parents, using telephone interviews to sample specific behaviors across several days. This fairly objective method of assessment revealed no difference between the two groups of couples in the frequency of positive behaviors (e.g., saying "I love you"), or negative behaviors (e.g., registering complaints or criticisms). |
Relationship satisfaction
Although it is important to look at he kinds of interactions that new parents engage in, it is equally important to know how they feel about their relationship. The changes that we have described so far (e.g., division of labor, less companionship) might seem to imply that couples should be less satisfied with their relationships than they were before the birth. However, common sense suggests that this is not necessarily the case. If couples expect the birth of their baby to bring these sorts of changes, they may accept them fairly readily. |
Studies of new parenthood shed some light on this issue, but also highlight its complexity. One point to note is that the research findings have been inconsistent. Many studies have associated parenthood with declines in relationship satisfaction, but almost as many have shown that any decline is roughly similar in size to that shown by childless couples (and hence cannot be attributed to parenthood). The difference in findings across studies suggests that any reports of "average amounts of change" are likely to mask important differences between different couples. In fact, some researchers now focus on trying to identify different trajectories of satisfaction. For example, J. Belsky and M. Rovine ("Patterns of marital change," Journal of Marriage and the Family 52 (1990), pp. 5-19) identified four groups of new parents, defined by patterns of relationship satisfaction from pregnancy to parenthood: Two groups showed declines in satisfaction (one more marked than the other), one showed fairly stable levels, and one actually showed a slight increase in satisfaction. |
Another source of debate concerns possible gender differences in the course of relationship satisfaction. In particular, some studies have shown that declines in satisfaction are more marked for mothers than for fathers. However, it seems that this apparent gender difference may depend on the timing of the assessments. If relationship satisfaction is measured when the babies are only a few months old, women are more likely than men to show a drop in satisfaction. On the other hand, after a year or so of parenthood, fathers often show a similar drop. In short, men may be slower to experience the impact of parenthood, perhaps because their day-to-day involvement in tending to the baby is usually not as great. Of course, for some couples, this difference in spouses' feelings over the first few months may, in itself, create distance or conflict. |
Summing up the changes
To summarize what we have discussed so far, parenthood is most likely to bring changes in the areas of task allocation and performance, and leisure, companionship, and intimacy. These findings are not surprising, because these areas are most directly affected by the presence of the baby. In contrast, changes in the emotional climate of marriage and in overall levels of satisfaction are less clear-cut. When differences are found in these areas, they are usually small in size, and there is a great deal of similarity in the reports of childless couples and new parents. In other words, some couples report significant problems in their relationship around the birth of the first baby, but others fare quite well. |
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